my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
