so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
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