He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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