You just made me feel so damn special
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Randomize
