I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize