dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
