im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
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I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
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Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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