Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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