Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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