I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
