dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
