I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
