The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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