I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
