I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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