Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize