we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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