I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
two words: eviction party
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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