Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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