I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
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Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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