The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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