Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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