I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Randomize
