your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
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I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
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Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
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