Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
