I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
