My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
