i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
