the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
