You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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