Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
