omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
You took a bar mat shot.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
