using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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