just survived the first fart of the relationship.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
