It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
