are you so shy because you have an std?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
