I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
