It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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