Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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