it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
