He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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