well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
