i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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