2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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