I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize