I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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