A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
