Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
