fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
