I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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