I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
My ATM looks so different sober.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
