You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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