I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
